Amidst the rising sun and the throttling wind, I remember it was a cold Wednesday morning in the University Town of Nsukka as I woke up reluctantly to the annoying sound of my phone alarm.
I had wanted to sleep further but then I realized it would be marlian-ous to hit snooze on GSP 101 especially because of attendance. No doubt, “Morning sleep is sweet in UNN, but na GSP 101 spoil am.”
Like a toddler, I yawned as I stretched my hand lazily to reach for my phone to check out the exact time. “Chineke! 6:30 am already.”
I exclaimed as I jerked off from my bed and ran into the bathroom, agonizing as the mortuary standard water trickled down my brown skin body.
I immediately marched out of the bathroom after the self-torture not minding to brush my teeth.
“Na everyday person they brush teeth self,” I said within myself to encourage my foolishness. I quickly wore my favourite ash t-shirt and a blue Jean, picked my school bag and dashed out of my lodge.
As soon as I passed Odim gate, I met with my coursemate Nelson who was returning from night class but
walking absentmindedly like someone who had gone for parte after parte.
Me: Good Morning Oga Nelson
Nelson: How fa your mara na
Me: I dey like dele o. Are you not coming to the GS class?
Nelson: GS class kwa? 101 that I have covered five times. The koko is that Prisca will append my signature on the attendance jare. Nothing come out.
Me: Alright na. Later things.
Chai! Nna ehn, so this guy has covered five times and I’m yet to start. “I must start my night class today o.” My first thought ignited into flames of laughter “Mad oh! You that will be gallivanting from Bello to Akpabio Hostel, come and do night class let us see.” Feeling like a complete package of failure, I continued my legwork to GS building in shame.
Luckily for me, I entered the lecture theatre just as the lecturer began his lecture. The topic for today is “Report Writing”. That’s all I heard because for the rest of the lecture my mind was fixated on how to “sign attendance.” coupled with the hustling of moving from one seat to another.
Sooner than later, my coursemate began to disappear from the class as if the rapture was already taking place.
At this point, the lecture hall became rowdy like Ogbete Market because if you don’t “sign attendance” in the injury time, “your don be.” Na to go home, wise up and come back next week Wednesday.
After struggling to append my signature on the attendance, I joined the disappearance crew as I jappa to Vet Hall for PHY 111.
The situation became worse as I stood like hot agidi trying to understand the physics topic being taught. Unfortunately, my brain was unavailable at the moment because my village people were using it to make an international call.
Pheww! I became glad as the Physics lecturer informed us that he would be drawing the curtain for the day. “I pray that this curtain would never be opened again.”
I checked the time and it was 9:01 am which meant I still had roughly one hour to CHM 101 lecture. Immediately, I received a double alert in my stomach signalling I need to eat something before something do me.
My first mind told me oo-ohh to get soya milk and buns at container but my second mind disagreed. “Suffer no they tire you self, at least for once eat a better thing for the body. Life is too short.”
I arrived at Social Science Shoprite in less than 10 minutes, stood in the queue waiting to be attended to by the seller. I observed everybody was adding a salad to their rice.
Mad oh! I will go for salad be that na, as I cannon come and dull myself.
“Oya give me rice two hundred with fish and top it with salad. Sell am well.”
With excitement, I balanced to enjoy my meal whilst thankful I listened to my second thought. Before I could say “Okpa is a goal” 9:55 am already?
Haa! I paid and began racing down to New Physical Science Lecture Theater (NPSLT) with the rice in my stomach begging for digestion. When I entered the class, all the seats were already taken most of which were occupied by ghosts.
I joined some guys as we quickly formed a wall in front of the class. “Hey, you guys are obstructing our view” cried some students seated”.
“Wetin concern agbero with overload? You people will never enjoy that seat” I smiled with a wild grin.
Dr Okpala entered the class and the topic for the day was “Radioactivity.” Few minutes into the lecture I began to sweat profusely like a Christmas goat accompanied with excruciating stomach discomfort.
I knew something was not right especially as I could no longer control myself. It dawned on me that the rice I ate was already in my loo-loo saying
“Hello, World!” Abeg no do me this kind thing I begged as I tightened the grip of my loo-loo in resistance.
I tried to hold on longer but my system began to fail me. I looked back and there was no way I could even get out of the overcrowded class. “Ehh! Who send me to add a salad and I’m even standing in the front.”
The whole class suddenly became quiet as the lecturer began explaining a particular question that would come out in the exam but for where I was not bothered especially with the rice advancing in my loo-loo to destroy my dignity in the presence of everybody.
I gathered the courage to leave the class with me pleading “excuse me” as I made way with an expression on my face like that of a monkey who just licked lime.
Getting outside of the class, my first thought recommended that I visit the Uncompleted Post Graduate Building.
“Nna, bad market. Too far”. My second thought suggested the uncompleted building beside the main library. “Okay but kind of far and dangerous especially because of the oversabi people that have converted the place to the library.” Abuja Building? Yes! Yes! That’s it.
The journey to Abuja Building was usually long and daunting as I had to run small and walk small, to keep the house in order.
A technique just to ensure the pie does not get detonated while on transit. Abuja Building suddenly “did not follow” because I could not find any airport for takeoff.
As I walked through the bush path at the back of Abuja Building leading to the Faculty of Agriculture, the worst happened. I impulsively pulled down the wall of Jericho as the thing just came out skrrrahh, pap, pap Skidiki-pap-pap, and a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom.”
Ewoooo! As I was about to rise, the thing went again; Skidiki-pap-pap, and a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom. “Ah! Na small thing they kill person o”
Thank God for the prayers of my Mammy, nobody was in sight or transit. I smiled with relief as I quickly raised the standard which was already tainted with pie and juice and began the Walk of Shame back to Odim.
But wait first, where are my school bag and my CHM 101 note?